Even said that I am falling? Even said that I had enough or he had enough of me? LOL! It’s just a piece of me..
I never deny nor confess..Yet I don’t know where this emotion will take me..I don’t know if it will take me farther or will take me just as I am..all alone..
Made me torn yet made me strong..Made me open yet made me egoed..He made glimmer then made me love..He made my all but all of these are false..Vague and pretends..
I can let go.
I can give up.
I get timid when girlfriends caught him..Guessed it’s not apt. I just imagined that I am invincible so everything will stop..
I entered the prime of myself and I hate insistent..I am prepared to be refused..I’m just afraid for the upshots. I never wish for any connections, I just wish he would see me just the way I should. But terribly, I don’t show to him the real me..I snob him, turn around when he is near, roll my eyes when he looked at me, condemn his looks..Yes! I am bad.
Just want to end everything. Must be kept and left unsaid.
Then I still fall and then will always fall.
I am seeking for the right time to seize him.
‘Till death do me fall.
Hearsays and gossips prepared me to stop and give up. Hearsays and gossips made me stronger. Stronger to stop and give up. Now, I can say..
‘Till death do me fall - I am getting over.
*Every part are LIES.
Posted: August 13,2009
Came across.
Every doubts conquer beliefs. And every minds think of words and actions sensitively. Cause in every persuasion there is hesitation. Every happy moments disturb fragile hearts. Come to think of it..Worthless and non-sense but can turn you into pieces.
Heart and mind smashing together but cluttering differently. It never will and maybe never will. Will and urge are unlike.
In every moves I am falling. In every answers I am breaking.
Falling and breaking. Will and urge..Dig me thoroughly..Deeply and hardly. Wounds make me stand even smiles. But what really troubles? It’s the fact, I can’t be and will never be or we can’t never be.
Uncertainty is distance.
There will never be.
Truths will remain..and will forever kept by heart. When it all fades even the love or hate, even the smiles and frowns, denials and confessions..acts and lies..words or eye contacts..messages, bumps and sneaks..I will still remember that Someone attacked all my nerve cells and made me hail all the hypocrites and became one of them.
Aiming my way to give Someone up..
Hail all the hypocrites! Hell I’m one of them.
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It was a luminous Wednesday (February 04,2009) afternoon for me. I’m with my friends. Doing the same staff over and over again. Hilarity of humor. An afternoon full of fun and joy. A moment of companionship with them.
But all of those laughters fade..
I received a text message from my neighbor. My father was rushed in the hospital and I need to go back home hurriedly. Though tears are flowing from my eyes, I don’t sense any nerves. This is my father’s 3rd heart attacked. So I just supposed that he will be confine in the hospital. Expected that he can recover soon enough. There is no such anxious feeling while I rode in a jeepney. I know my father can make it. I know he can. I know he will.
At house, my neighbors and Titas don’t mentioned anything about my father’s condition when we was rushed in the hospital. They don’t said anything. No nerves. No anxiousness. I put all our things inside with no worries.
I received text messages from my sister and brother. They want me to follow them in the hospital. So I went to the hospital with no nerves, anxiousness or worries.
At the hospital, my brother was outside waiting for me. I saw him with our travelling bag. Inside the bag was a blanket and my father’s clothes. So I assumed that my father was alright then. Just staying in the recovery room and doin’ well. I assumed everything was alright.
We went inside the hospital. I was surprised when my brother took me in the Fire Exit and went downstair to the basement of the hospital but still I was very calm. He tap my shoulders. I sensed nothing. I assumed that the recovery room or the emergency ward of the hospital was in the basement. As we walked together, I saw the hospital’s maintance room. Laudry room for all the blankets, pillow cases and all the fabrics used in the hospital. Yes, we walked more. My brother walked after me, he went inside a room. But that room has the sign “Morgue”. When I saw he went inside I don’t thought of anything happened. I just thought that he will take a shortcut from the morgue to the emergency ward or recovery room. But as my steps drew closer, I felt no nerves, anxiousness or worries. I just knew that we will take a shortcut. But as I peep in the morgue, I saw my sister and mother crying. It never came up to my mind that something bad happened.
I saw a body wrapped by a white blanket and it was my Father.
I broke down…
Tears flowed….
Blood poured from his mouth.
And I broke down even more…
As I write this, I really don’t know what kind of emotion was that..and what am I still feeling right now..
I left my Father in the morning as usual. He was happy as he was always. Doin’ his same chores everyday. No premonitions or signs that he will leave us. He don’t whined for anything. Don’t asked for any help. Yet he always took his medicine he don’t complained that he was suffering any difficulties specially in his chest. He don’t made us worried of his condition.
The doctor told that it was a cardiac arrest - dead on arrival. They still tried to revive my Father 10 more times but he can’t make it even more. He can’t make it with us anymore..It was my Father 3rd heart attacked. He recovered swiftly in his 1st and 2nd attacks.
My soul..
My everything..
My Father was gone..
I lost the one who made me smile when my mother yelled at me. The one who cracked jokes when time gets tough. The one I hugged when I need someone to take care me of. The one who share his savings for my allowance. The one who fart unconsiously. The one watched marathon movies in HBO with me. The one who watched ”Lord of the Rings Trilogy ” with me even if it was my 50th times. The one who will be mad when I will go home late. The one who will grab the remote control when we are watching fashion and music related shows. The one I love and respect.
I wish time could turn back. I want to say to him once more that I love Him. I want to remind him once more that I am very lucky to have Him as my Father. That I am so blessed that of all the fathers in the world..He is my Father.
I want to say sorry to all the things I’ve done to him. To all the aches I done.
I want to say thank you for being my Father. For taking care of me and for taking care of his family. For loving us, for loving my mother truthfully. For making us what we are right now..For making us believe that we can in everything. For making us laugh everyday. For making us special in any ways. For being the best provider and for being a responsible Father.
He is the best man I ever met. I am lucky to be his daughter.
We miss you Tatay..I miss you..
You are always in my heart.
I will never forget you. You will be always in my mind and heart. I will keep you forever.
Though you are not here with us anymore physically, You will stay with us forever. I will cherish you forever.
I Love You Tatay.
I Miss You So Much..
Holy whatever!!! It’s my group 6th Thesis Proposal! And freak we’re rejected again! Keep in mind that thesis is every college student’s ticket to graduation. Ticket to be in the official graduation list. Ticket to be my family’s pride. Ticket for the real world. But I am losing that ticket..6th Thesis Proposal!?
How come they rejected our proposals? It makes me miserable and hopeless. 6ht Thesis Proposal?! How many thesis proposals they are waiting for? 7th,8th,9th,10th? Bullsh*t! When we will begin our Chapter 1? When?
Make some point.
And when we will stop creating DFD and ERD?
But hey! We need to work on for our 7th Thesis Proposal..remember?
So it’s gonna be a full blast of thingkings and patience. We must pack our things and attend mass at Quiapo or any holy churches to be approve. Pray to all saints and even nature’s god and godess. Hey! Is there any patron saint for Thesis or any god of Thesis. I wish to talk to them and make wishes. Offer anything for them to whisper positive responces to our thesis adviser, faculty panel, software chairwoman, and college dean. Wish they were…(Searching in Yahoo!..)…(Result: No match found!)
Deep breath. Optimistically, we can make it!
I really want to be in the graduation stage receiving the “Best Thesis Award” not the “Grand Slam Rejected Thesis Award”..Hope we can make it!
Future will be define soon..
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One part of college life that you must not miss is thesis. Yet a heart-breaking and head-shaking moment..It’s one hell part of what we called process..Process that can make us stronger,tougher,smarter and wiser. Thesis is like a television series. Packed with action ( Physical moments in photo-copying, sleepless nights, sleepless mornings, sleepless weekends and many more..), drama ( If your proposals are rejected by your panel), comedy ( If everyone pass and you’re just left in the corner and failed..hehhehe..) and many more.
But as of this moment, it is just starting. So I am expecting for more. More papers, more payments, more wars, more wasted minds, more research, more “don’t care” moments..MORE!!
But what else breaks my heart today? When someone, when all are discouraging you to pursue it. Yip! They are my detractors! Haiyz..
What kind of guts they had? What kind of brains they have? As if we are close? As if they have the rights to reject? As if he is the greatest programmer in the universe? As if he is one my judging panel? Who the hell?!! Crack his jokes! You’re helpless! Pathetic!
Stage1: Anger Management
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January 16 is a very significant date for me. I rejoice this event with memories I will hold forever. Nostalgia of old friends. Rendezvous of different scenarios of personalities i loved and hated.
January 16, 1953. My father’s birthday. I am very blessed! Having a father like him. Never be replaced. I love my Tatay! Blessed with sense of humor and sense of responsibility. I am very lucky to have him.
January 16, 1988. Michelle Prado’s birthday. She was the President of the Supreme Student Government in my Highschool. While I was the Peace Officer at that time. Military at heart. She opened my political carreer.
January 16, 1989. Maverick Dandoy’s birthday. My ex’s bestfriend. I always compare him to “Great Wall of China”. Why? Because in every quarrel he was there to blocked those hatred ways of us. I miss him alot!
January 16, 1990. John Mark Retardo’s birthday. One of my best buddy in highschool. He made me insensitive. After months of arguments. We separated ways and never talk again. But after all, text messaging made us realized what happened and maturity just blown up our minds.
January 16, 2008. A serious conversation with Mark Alvin Vidal. Thought we will lose him. After this exchange, I realized that I am very immature and very selfish. Yip! I was “praning” at that moment. But I am happy that it all happened to me. I trust and know him even more.
Counting more January 16…ÜÜÜ
I am just surfing the net for new single that will hit the town..A song that everyone will sing to it..But apparently a song from Craig David’s last album - “Trust Me” released last November of 2008 caught my attention..Craig David is a popular R&B singer from UK..And he really gain weight and muscles..hehhe..I really love him for the first place..I used to listen to his songs but not in a loop..( like right now..) I am so addicted to this song..David’s voice is truly magical for me..I love the words of this song..
And I can say that this is the song of my moment..Felt like I let go of someone that I loved and still loving..but still into him..Every words are simply now of me..Haiyz..I love it! I am officially and unconditionally yours! Ü
Officially Yours
By Craig David
Thinkin’ how the story goes
You’re helpless and I’m wishin’
Put the film inside my mind
But there’s a big scene that I’m missin’
As I re-read my lines
I think I said this, I should’ve said that
Did you edit me out of your mind
‘Cos in a flash you had disappeared, gone
Before the curtain falls
And we act this out again
Maybe I should risk it all and state
That I’m officially going on the record
To say I’m in love with you
I’m officially everything you hope that I would be
This time I’ll tell the truth
I’m officially wrong I know
For letting you go the way I did
Unconditionally more than I ever was before
I’m officially yours
Travellin’ down this road again
Gotta make a few decisions
Don’t want you to feel this hurt again
That’s why I’m hopin’ that you’ll listen
If you let me press rewind
I’ll rehearse every word I should have said
‘Cos girl I’m ready to make things right
Here on this stage so we can move on
And before the curtain falls
And we act this out again
Missin’ pieces I’ll resolve so stay
Things I should have said
Like I appreciate the time that I spend with you
Inspire me with the smile I put on your pretty face
My world comes alive, now I know
This time I’m not letting go
‘Cos I’m officially yours
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TYRA!!! MORE BLESSINGS TO COME! TNX FOR ENCOURAGING US! YOU ARE MY INSPIRATION! TNX!! TNX FOR AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL!! YOU WOKE MY MODEL SIDE!!
I LOVE YOU!!
WE LOVE YOU ALL!!!
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It’s a pretty little thing that makes me think..Yip! I don’t know why..
Just this morning one of my girlfriend told me that someone likes (?) me..When she said that I was not a bit happy nor upset..It’s just a usual feeling..Just like a simple exchange of words from my girlfriend..I had feeling since then..but I don’t have any proof and I don’t want to prove it too..Not just because that I don’t want to..but just because of expecting too much..Of course, no one wanted to be hurt..No one wanted to shed tears..And I am also not a kind of girl who just want to make love or flirt to someone with any reasons..I hate to initiate cause I am afraid of being rejected..I hesitated cause I don’t want to look like any b*tch around..I hate it..I hate it..And even hated it more..Though I am real fighter..love makes me weak..Call me anxious..I don’t want to be too close for comfort..Call me whatever you wanted..I’m afraid to be hurt.. ( Sounds like I am not the one who is writing this..)
As they said, If you will just be afraid when you will be happy and contented? When you will fight your fears? When you will be loved? When you will experience true love? When you will fight for it? When you will fight for him?
Yet it seems exaggerated..This is what I feel right now..
After many hours..It sink in to me ( Late reaction! )
What if he likes me? Will it make a great impact? Will it change my world? Will it make me happy or contented? Will it make me change the way I treated him? Will I also like him? Or will I fall for him?
Questions that I can’t answer for now..
I can’t giggle just for knowing that..It s*cks! I don’t want to assume..I don’t want to expect for something to happen.. ( See how I am frightened? )
And what the hell he called me a snobbish one? Hey! I am not! Yet it looks like! But it’s just my curve eyebrows ( I don’t shave it! I am blessed with it! ) , the way I frankly talked..the way I observed things around me..And make ‘pintas’ to others..I am not proud or boastful..I just don’t care about others business..I ignore things that I can’t relate to, I can’t handle or I can’t stand to..Or even things that can’t enhance my abilities and capabilities..I ignore those persons that I know just wanted to make fond of me without any good reasons..I ignore those persons that I can’t make my life worthy..I ignore those persons who can’t make me happy and will just give me aches..You can know me better!
Am I snobbish or I just don’t care it at all?
Anyone can approach me..I can smile and not frown to everyone..I can also expresses what I feel..I am also a human..I know who are unreal to me..I know who appreciated me..
So stop calling me SUPLADA!!!
You don’t know the real me.
Better know me first. ( I won’t bite you! )
If you like me..Approach me then..
It’s up to you! I don’t want to continue no more!
how could this guy said that we are best of friends..
how could this guy blunt that we are made of each other and how many problems we’ve been through..
know that i am NOT beside him..
i felt so selfish..
i am..
insentive for the guy
who treat me special and one of the
best..
how could my bestfriend is?
I AM SORRY..for the times i am not with you..for the times i can’t tap your shoulders to boost your confidence..for the times i can’t laugh with you when your heart is pain..for the times i can’t give you my opinions and advices..for the times i can’t remind you what is wrong or what is right..and for the times i can’t cry with you and for not saying “ano babanatan ko n ba yung gumawa sayo nun?!!!”…I AM SORRY…
i felt so worhtless..
i felt so undeserving for the title
BESTFRIEND..
emails and text messages are
not enough..
i hate it..
i don’t know how to end this..
i am sorry…sorry..
i will make things
work out..hopefully..
it s*cks to be
numb..
it s*cks when people closes
to your heart will also be engage
from your troubles..
thanks for reading my message
I AM SORRY..
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